Friday, September 21, 2012

Y2 Day 23: Dance Ten, Colon Three

I am extremely depressed. I was valedictorian — twice! — for God's sake. I am a Rules Girl, a champion brown-noser, always the first one with my hand up. I am practically a professional A getter.

But today I got graded on my colonoscopy prep, and on a four-point scale, from Excellent to Poor, I got a Fair.

I am not happy. I don't know how I could have done their stupid prep any better.

Well, okay, I could have started it on Sunday, as required, if it didn't freaking take them till Tuesday to send me the instructions.

And yeah, I probably could have drunk more liquid following Cleanse #2, which I had to perform at freaking 3:00 in the morning and could barely keep my eyes open to swallow the required amount of Gatorade —WHICH, by the way, I TOTALLY DID.

I followed every stupid direction they gave me, except for summoning my ability to go back in time three days — and for this I get a grade of FAIR???

Husband says I'm taking this too hard and too personally.


I also endured a migraine today, the sure result of 24 hours sans coffee, and I checked in at the colon desk with a cold wet washcloth pressed to my forehead, looking, I'm sure, like a total drama queen (or a confused auditioner for Camille). It was a pretty miserable day.

Plus, I cried when they tried to put in my IV, which is always a nightmare with me, given my inability to hold either arm in any helpful position longer than 30 seconds. They ended up doing the IV through my hand and had to call in a ringer to do it.

Plus, I threw up. Several times. Before and after.

The prep, though? Other than the 3 a.m. thing, piece of cake.

And the colonoscopy itself? Totally slept through it. I had one polyp, which I'm fully expecting to be benign. They did not send me home with pictures, but I can live with that.

Post-colon, I headed straight for coffee, threw up in Starbucks, came home, tried to drink said coffee, realized instantly that anything I put in my mouth would be thrown right back up, put my head on the pillow around noon and didn't wake up till 3, when the kids came home from school. And I've been lying in bed all day watching excellent movies.

The things that are hard for me are so rarely the things that are hard for other people!

While searching for just the right image for today's post, I came upon a fine piece of writing that very much captures much of what I felt this week.

I am so glad it's over. When I do this again, five years from now, I will be armed with the knowledge I gleaned today, and I will get a freaking EXCELLENT.

That is all.

Grrr arggh.

—Lady C


  1. My prep started at 1 pm the day before my 8 am colonoscopy. I was supposed to be done by 7 pm but I got nauseated and kept spacing out my intake so it was almost 10 pm by the time I got all 64 oz down. (A coworker had the split prep - started at 3 pm and had to get up at 4 am for the second half - no way could I do that - the Gastroenterology gods gave me the right doctor.) I was clean as a whistle with no polyps. (Go me.) I was surprised to see you had red and blue liquids - we were only allowed clear or yellow Gatorade, lime or lemon jello, and banana Popsicles and chicken broth. However, I feel cheated that I didn't get graded on my prep. :)

    1. I freaked when I read your comment. "RED? What did I have that was red???" But I see that the orange Gatorade on the right photographed redder than it is. It's orange, though, I promise.

      My only directions was "no red" -- all other colors of Gatorade, presumably, were okay. Though red is a component of orange... oh, who knows.

      I think the fact that I didn't begin prepping until Tuesday instead of starting Sunday was probably the culprit. My mother-in-law always swore that seeds lived in your colon for YEARS (she made me cut all the seeds away before she would taste a kiwi -- as you can imagine, her portion was small), so I think the popcorn I enjoyed on Monday was still there to greet everyone.

      But you know what? It's a new day, I'm ready for a new obsession. :)

      Thanks for reading, Ms. Glamour!