Wednesday, April 17, 2013

New Day, New 'Tude

Last night I was lying in bed post-bath, embracing my many failures. I felt fat and sluggish and deeply disappointed in myself, and it was a whale of a party, let me tell you.

I'm not losing a lick o' weight, and I know that the only strategy available to me is to add a heaping dose of Spartan to my daily living — and I just can't seem to do it.

Meant to take a walk and enjoy yesterday's beautiful sunshine. Failed.

Meant to eat a light dinner, to counterbalance the big diner breakfast the kids and I enjoyed. Failed.*

Meant to eschew alcohol, as it's helping neither my weight-loss efforts nor my mood. Failed.

Meant to get started writing my Math Practice book, which, I realize, I'm a little scared of. Failed.

Meant to be sweet and understanding and patient with every single annoyingly in-my-face member of my family, no matter how noisy and defensive and petulant and aggravating they are. Failed.

Failure failure failure!!!!!!

And then I prayed.

And then I reflected on a few key things:
  • This is a stressful time. I have A LOT on my plate. I need to be kind to myself.
  • Tomorrow is a new day.
  • I have no control over any member of my family nor the decisions they make. None. If constant nagging/gentle reminders worked, wow, wouldn't that be great? — but it doesn't. I need to let go. They will do the (ridiculous) things they do. I can roll my eyes, I can laugh, I can love them regardless.
  • I felt so good after zumba on Saturday, even though I came home and went straight back to work. If it's at all possible to squeeze in even a short walk, I must do it.
And then I painted my nails navy blue and used my white and yellow and green polishes to make a little daisy on each fingernail, and it looks freaking fantastic. I smile every time I look at my hands. I am trying so hard to love my fingers rather than ravage them and tear their flesh.

Today has been simply chock full o' nuts with success:
  • I made myself start the Math book, and it's been a piece of cake. I'll finish my draft tomorrow, just in time to hand it to my boss for our Friday meeting.
  • I took a walk around lunchtime and lifted weights and worked my core
  • Plus I'm going to zumba tonight. So much exercise, clearly I need an intervention! Ha. 
  • I really wanted a snack/cocktail at 4, but I then realized that I'm mostly just bored and edgy (I hate having the kids home when I have a ton of work to do) and I managed to keep myself out of the kitchen. 
Yay for me!

So . . . I'm trying to embrace Spartan-er living, one hour at a time. As a rallying cry, yes, it's a tad lacking in oomph, but it's the best I got for now.

On a more serious note —

As I said, I took a walk today; it's gorgeous here, sunny and crisp, not a cloud in the sky. I felt purely happy . . . and then rounded a corner and saw a flag at half-mast and started to cry.

It feels crazy unreal that this terrible thing has happened in my beloved, beautiful city, the cradle of American liberty (hush, Philadelphia), during a worldwide celebration. Bostonians being who we are (hard-headed, belligerent, and brimming with local pride), I expect that next year's Marathon will set a record for attendance. But right now, it is just so sad around these parts.

This is not the kind of writing I do. I hide behind better writers. And here are three of them:
It would be wrong and a cliche to say we lost our innocence on Monday afternoon as a plume of white smoke drifted high above Boylston Street, as blood pooled on the sidewalk across from the Boston Public Library, as severed limbs lay amid the bruised and the bloodied and the stunned, their ears ringing, their ears bleeding.
We lost our innocence on another perfect day, in September, 12 years ago. But we lost something Monday, too, and that is the idea that we will ever feel totally safe in this city again.
  • My favorite piece of writing about September 11, a poem titled "Rest In Peace," can be found here. Though it's about a different event, it feels as relevant as ever.
(About this last poem, my friend Carla Catwoman said, "Just when I thought it was safe to wear mascara again . . .")

Sad, sad time. But we will get through this. I lift my Spartan chin and hold it high.

—Lady C


* To be totally fair to myself, I did walk to the diner —a total of 1.36 miles, dude!

(In my efforts to determine this exact number, I came across the phrase "heterolifemate," which I am now in love with. Husband, how do you like your new name?)

8 comments:

  1. Be kind to yourself! You deserve no less!

    That said, congrats on your new outlook and all of your progress! There are some major achievements there!

    And thank you so much for sharing my post. I hide behind other people's words (as you might have noticed) when I can't seem to find my own. Such tragedy. But we will rise and face the new day.

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    1. Thanks, sweetie. I LOVED your post.

      There is always a new day, for all of us, and that is a beautiful thing to know.

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  2. Personally, I think when we pick ourselves up after a minor fall, it takes a lot more courage and is an even greater triumph than an uneventful climb. More educational, too! And picking oneself up uses lots of rarely-used muscles, so good exercise. :-)

    As always, you cheer me up, so I cheer you on! I think you're amazing. RAH, LADY C.!

    Love,
    SDF

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    1. Thanks, sweetie! I appreciate your kind words, as always.

      Your boyfriend Mr. Kerry was most eloquent today!

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  3. Your bouncebackability exemplifies the sprit of Team Boston! On Friday, there's a movement for everyone to wear Boston on them in some way -- sports or college T-shirt or hat, whatever. We are tough and strong and also weep over loss, because we have big hearts, like the vast majority of people. So few vile scumbags, so many loving helpers.
    XO,
    Mrs. Cynicletary

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    1. Hear, hear! I wore my Boston shirt all day and thought of you. And worried a little; were you trapped in your house all day? That is just not a good feeling.

      Once again, you were beyond magnificent last night!!!

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  4. Mr. Lady Chardonay (aka Husband, aka Heterolifemate)April 18, 2013 at 11:43 PM

    One of the things I love about "heterolifemate" is that it can also be YOUR name, too! I really like it when we can share things, like heterolifemates do

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    1. We are sharing our happy hetero life for life, heterolifemate! Plus you shared your phone with me when I took my walk today, and that was very nice. In return, I'll share the cats with you.

      Ha! Ha! Ha!

      No, you can't have any share of the cats. We need to get you your OWN cat, as you well know.

      Share the joy with me, heterolifemate!!

      xxx

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