The Maud-L e-list is currently discussing depression and medication, and my friend Cari Triple-M posted about how lost and listless and unlike herself she felt after her father died. She lives on the West Coast, a three-hour time difference from me, and I am watching the clock and waiting till it's late enough to call her.
I have a new addiction to talking to friends who have also lost their fathers — mostly because I'm seeking validation that I'm not a loser, despite all evidence to the contrary, as well as reassurance that this too shall pass.
I feel almost undone by grief, and I am ashamed and embarrassed about it. I think my dad would be disappointed in me. I keep on keepin' on, because what choice do I have? But I am not myself.
Usually at this time I'd be planning my annual caroling party, which Good Neighbor Anne and I started in 2002. But this year, my urge to lie low and add nothing new to my to-do list is almost overwhelming. Then again, I love this party, and once it's in full swing I find it incredibly nourishing to my soul. Is it worth the effort involved to get to that point? That's the decision I'm struggling with.
In the meantime, we've planned our Thanksgiving menu, I think it's our best yet, and my mom arrives tomorrow at 11:51 p.m. I LOVE having my mom here! She is the best guest. We are all very excited.
But before then, here's what I need/want to do:
- Grocery-shop for Thanksgiving
- Mend and de-pill the hideous green couch that houses the guest bed
- Wipe the baseboards
- Vacuum the basement
- Deep-clean the kitchen
Today I'm having lunch with Mrs. Cynicletary, which is always a treat, and I'm calling my car guy to find out why they haven't credited the $750 that was "temporarily" charged to my credit card — and also calling Cari Triple-M, as noted, which will be lovely. Maybe I can talk and de-pill at the same time. And it would be great if I could do some editing for Harvard in there somewhere.
In other news, I've been reading up a storm:
And here's what I've got on my stack:
I'm in a mystery phase right now. The weather is chilly, and there is nothing lovelier than curling up under a blanky with a hot drink and a mystery. The puzzle is resolved, the bad are punished, the wise are rewarded. So satisfying!!
Off to . . . get dressed, I guess. It's dark and rainy outside, I haven't made my bed yet, and climbing back into it sounds almost unbearably appealing. But my list calls . . .
— Lady C, not her usual ebullient self, but working on it