Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Laugh Yourself Thin



It's "Health and Beauty" Tuesday, and I'm gearing up for my treadmill walk . . . and realized that I hadn't charged my iPod in, like, years. Our treadmill is in the basement. I could play a CD on Mimosa's computer, but the treadmill is LOUD, and Husband is home this week (like Ross and Rachel, Northeastern U is on a break), working in his study, which abuts the basement. Anyway — I'm charging the dead, dead iPod and otherwise being of use.

(I'm about to tackle my most dreaded call: filing a claim with State Farm for all the damage to my house caused by ice dams. My contractor says it will cost $14K to fix everything and do it right. I'm sure State Farm will cover all that. Of course they will. La la la!)

It occurred to me that a few of my hoarded e-mails are funny things that I meant to put in my blog — so, yay! more e-mail eradication! And then I'll make my phone call.

First, Husband sent me these:


He also alerted me to "20 New Titles for Children's Books (Based Entirely On Their Covers)!" Example (they are all hilarious):


You might have seen this next one floating around the Internet; Sexy Em sent it to me:
A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for her homework assignment:
The teacher graded it, and the child took it home. She returned to school the next day with the following note:
Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be perfectly clear on my child's homework illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male customers with money. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This drawing is of me selling a shovel.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Harrington
Even though this story has been outed as apocryphal, I still enjoyed it.

I've mentioned before the origins of my online name; "The Lady Chardonnay" is the title of a painting proudly displayed in the Museum of Bad Art. It's very hard to find a reproduction of this wonder online, but I managed to secure the following:

Is she not gorgeous?!!

I will conclude with some of my favorite lines from actual church bulletins, again forwarded to me by Sexy Em:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.


OK — phone call time. I don't know why I dread phone calls so much. What's the worst that can happen?

Onward!

— Lady C the Intrepid

6 comments:

  1. This inquiring Californian wants to know: what is an ice dam? We know not of winter in these parts!

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    1. See below, honeybunny.

      I'm packing for Chico soon, and the idea of 80-degree temps has me reeling! It feels impossible to pack tank tops and capris when there's still snow on the ground here. Kind of the reverse of packing for Mendocino in August, when I was dripping with sweat but had Mom's admonitions to bring a jacket in my ears. I ended up ignoring her, and I did muscle through the cool foggy mornings (wrapped in a blankie) — but a hoodie would've been nice.

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  2. South Carolina wants to know, too!

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    1. Hee! An ice dam happens (1) your roof is covered with snow, (2) the temperature plummets, causing the top layer to freeze solid, (3) the snow closest to your roof, where it's warmest, begins to melt a little, and (4) the trapped water seeks any opportunity for escape, even the tiniest little pore, and begins to leak through the roof into your house. New Englanders were plagued with ice dams during this crazy winter. The solution is to rake your roof with a specially designed roof rake — which we did, but too little, too late. We've got water damage everywhere, though the only leaks were in our kitchen. Still — water got into the walls, yada yada. My contractor pointed out all the discoloration, and I felt ashamed.

      State Farm still hasn't called me back, so no progress to report. How I look forward to this phone call! Ha.

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  3. You are intrepid! Also hilarious! Ross and Rachel -- *gurgle* -- SDF

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    1. Your comment tickled the mister — he brought me coffee this morning and said, "Not only do I love your blog, I love the people who read your blog!" You are loved, my friend.

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