Tuesday, October 13, 2015

I Guess a Surprise Is . . . Refreshing?

Spoiler: This post is not for the faint of heart or for those grossed out by bodily functions. Read at your own risk.

"Weepy," I wrote yesterday. "Melancholy," I said. "Suddenly burst into tears," I noted.

I didn't mention a heavy crampy emotional feeling or tender boobs, because, hey! That's just what I call Daily Menopausal Life!

I got a period 27 days ago, after not having one for 270 days, and it was one of those weirdo dark-brown periods that didn't resemble anything normal but nonetheless required multiple sanitary products. It felt like my uterus's last gasp, frankly. I'm movin' on, baby! Let's get all this old crap outta here.

So when I got up from my computer chair this a.m., noting an odd stickiness in my nether regions:
  Am I a moron for not connecting the dots?
  Would you have expected a bloody stain on the chair?
  What the fuck, body????
I am currently flowing like a teenager.

But I haven't sneezed once.


(I guess I'll hang on to my tampons for another year.)

Must now remove stain from chair, also nightgown, also pathway to bathroom.


— Lady Bloody C


  1. As my spouse likes to say, "at least you are not pregnant." Always the bright side.

    1. Ha! That is some bright side, all right.

      And look at you, commenting on my menstrual cycle. We are SO CLOSE.


    I am working on my laptop at the library and had to smother my laughter as I read this!

    Of course I am sympathetic too, as a fellow [former] bleeder... I had one last full-on, bright red gusher when I was fifty years old, and then... NOTHING for four years, so I am pretty confident it's not coming back. (Pleasegod.)

    That thing about learning how to clean up blood also made me laugh---I've actually thought it's true that women (especially mothers) in general have to deal with more body fluids that that stain (and that both seep slowly and project far distances in a heartbeat) than men do.
    But I had never before thought of how handy that would be for planning for a murder...

    Uh, so... yes. Thanks for giving me a laugh in the middle of work. :)

    1. How to Get Away with Murder and Use Those Menstrual Life Skills !!

      Hey, I would totally watch it.