(This is how every conversation went:
- Brunie: What's our theme again?
- Me: Superlatives. You know, like Sexiest Movie, Scariest Movie . . .
- Brunie (panicking, she is easily scared): Wait, what are you bringing for your Scariest Movie?
- Me: And Then There Were None. You can handle it.
- Brunie: Oh, okay. Okay.
Here was our working list:
- All-time favorite movie: All About Eve (Lady) and Enchanted April (Brunie)
- Scariest movie: And Then There Were None (Lady) and Dial M for Murder (Brunie — except she hasn't actually seen it)
- Sexiest movie: Coming Home, A Tale of Paraplegic Love (Lady) and Don't Look Now (Brunie — ditto)
- Biggest tearjerker: Brian's Sweet Sweet Song of Death (Lady) and Beaches (Brunie)
- Funniest movie: Noises Off (Lady) and Groundhog Day or The Full Monty (Brunie)
- Favorite movie romance: Calamity Jane (Lady) and Holiday (Brunie)
- Favorite movie marriage: Undercover Blues (Lady) and The Thin Man (Brunie)
- Most iconic film that I’ve never seen: The Big Lebowski (both of us)
- Favorite movie starring my favorite actress: Breakfast at Tiffany’s (Lady) and Heavenly Creatures (Brunie)
Note: My favorite movie starring my favorite actress is actually Silkwood, but we’ve already done Meryl.
- Favorite movie starring my favorite actor: Nobody’s Fool (Lady) and Infinitely Polar Bear (Brunie – which – wait for it – she hasn't seen. Also, she thinks it's called Infinity Polar Bear)
- Most “classic” movie that I’ve never seen: The Women (Lady) and The Best Years of Our Lives (Brunie)
- Movie that inspires me to be a better person: Separate Tables (Lady) and Pillow Talk (Brunie — don't ask)
- Best sports movie: Bull Durham (Brunie did not have a nominee)
- Favorite food-focused movie: Lone Star (Lady — the filmmakers might be surprised by this characterization, but people are eating good Mexican food through this whole movie, I am RAVENOUS afterward!) and Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle (says Brunie, "Okay, I don't know if there is food, but there is a table. It's round.")
- Brunie: Are you the person I love who has the Jennifer Jason Leigh disorder?
- Me: Yeah, she bugs me; she always looks glum and seems the same in every part. But I love Dorothy Parker. And I am nothing if not open-minded.[moment of consideration]
- Me: Well, actually, no, I’m a little close-minded and judgy. But get enough wine in me, I can pass for open-minded. Open container, open mind, that’s my motto.
- Best movie with a color in the title: Pretty in Pink (we concurred. Brunie's comment: "Never saw it sober. I don't suppose this weekend will break that streak . . .")
Brunie created a spreadsheet, but I think she was smoking the reefer or something because Dial M for Murder ended up in a new category:
- Me: Dial M for Murder makes you want to be a better person???
- Brunie: I want to be less Murder-y. That's my dream.
- Me: Free breakfast? I bet it’s AMAZING.
- Brunie: I doubt it will include Cheetos, so I am out.
3:00 check in! We unpack our stuff, which takes us, like, HOURS. Mind you, we are here for all of one whole day and two partial days.
I excitedly filled the refrigerator but got ice too, it's good to have options. The ice cubes are tiny. They are like little ice pearls.
As I washed our fruit (strawberries! apples! grapes! We are so healthy in our old age), Brunie did mysterious things with the TV and her computer and many many cords.
- Brunie: I was so excited about the HDMI, but then it didn't work, so we have to use stupid RGB.
- Me: Hmm.
- Brunie: Do you know what any of that means?
We decided to start with Sisters, but it didn't seem like a movie that required our full attention. I leafed through a People magazine and drank cold white wine from the refrigerator, as God intended.
- Me: I think we would be girlfriends with Adele.
- Brunie: We would be girlfriends with Adele's mother.
5:20 Coming Home
The MGM lion roars and Brunie shrieks.
- Me: My God, you're just like that first audience who saw the train coming at them.
Jon Voight plays a marine.
- Me: Semper fine.
- Brunie: Like Jon Voight's penis, our ice is less than hard.
8:50 The Best Years of Our Lives
I fix us Bohemian Coolers, a recipe I got from Writer Jenny: fresh lemon, elderflower liqueur, rye, and ginger beer. And they go down goooooood.
I'd also made salsa and guac to eat while we watched Lone Star, but we decided they'd go great with returning war vets. Salsa, guac, and Bohemian Coolers, we are hap-hap-happy girls!!
- Fredric March: I plan to meet this situation by getting well-plastered.
- Daughter Peggy: And I'm going to break up that marriage. Someone needs to!
- Me: Me, God, and Eleanor Roosevelt!
- Fredric March: Who are you, God?
- Me and Brunie: No, Eleanor Roosevelt!
- Me: But we weren't funny during Sisters either.
- Brunie: It sucked the funny right out of us.
I had a dream that some bad guys told us that we were watching the movies wrong.
- Me: How would you watch a movie wrong?
We finish watching Bull Durham, and Brunie is now in love with Kevin Costner and insists that we watch the first 20 minutes of Dances with Wolves. It's not on either list! Respect the plan, Brunie!!! She bows to my logic and wisdom.
7:56 a.m. Separate Tables
To our great joy, it has a theme song!!! which we promptly begin warbling. We muse on the movie's cast. Burt Lancaster, hunky alcoholic lead, will ultimately hook up with Deborah Kerr (shy neurotic virgin in this movie) in From Here to Eternity. Burt basically shags every chick in Separate Tables. Impressive!
We decide to break for breakfast and get dressed. I give Brunie a bra that doesn't quite work for me, and she is very enamored of it:
- Brunie: Hello, girls!
Back to Separate Tables. David Niven breaks our heart. That Oscar was well-deserved. We are both weepy.
Hot tub time! And then showers, we are filthy girls. Brunie comes into the bathroom as I am washing pumice scrub off my feet in the sink.
- Brunie: Um, you can use the whole shower.
|Thrilling reading!!! And note my well-pumiced feet.|
In this little-known gem, Dennis Quaid and Kathleen Turner play Jeff and Jane Blue, semi-retired spies.
- Brunie: They're adorable.
- Me: It's how marriage should be.
- Brunie: With all the shooting? I couldn't do that.
- Me: It's something to aspire to.
- Brunie: I aspire to Kathleen Turner's legs.
1:08 p.m. Noises Off!
This movie has the greatest cast, including the late Christopher Reeve and the late John Ritter, and as their names go by in the credits, we both moan a little. Later, Christopher Reeve attempts to climb the stairs with his pants around his ankles, and he goes hop! hop! hop! up the stairs in the most adorable way, and we are simply dissolved. Oh, Christopher Reeve. Rest in peace, you super man.
Such a fun movie! (once you're past the first 10 minutes and Carol Burnett's terrible Cockney accent, which is extremely off-putting) We are happy girls. Also a little drunky, I am downing Chardonnay and Brunie is enjoying Moscow Mules.
3:24 p.m. I take my rollers out and shake my hair.
3:45 p.m. We give up. Ugh.
- Brunie: You know what that movie could've used a few of?
- Grace Kelly: One day, he told me that he was simply through with tennis and was taking a job. Well, I couldn't believe it!
- Me: Who would give up tennis?
- Officer: I'm Chief Inspector Hubbard.
- Brunie: Perhaps you've heard of my old mother.
Brunie is awestruck at my ability to pour into a tiny wine bottle neck. My ability to preserve alcohol, it is prodigious. And Bratslavian Coolers, by the way, are DA BOMB. Vashe zdorovie!
Neither of us had seen Dial M, and it is awesome. Highly recommended!
- Me: So now we've watched the two movies that make us want to be better people. Have we learned any life lessons?
- Brunie: "Don't murder people."
- Me: "Be kind to sex perverts, because you just never know."
- Brunie: How about the first 10 minutes of Cimarron?
- Me: How about the first four or five hours of The Great Ziegfeld?
- Movie guy: Instead of a disease, we give the kid a dog!
- Me: Now that's how life should work.
6:49 p.m. Brian's Song
- Brunie: This better have a happy ending!
- Me: Yeah . . . maybe we should stop right now.
- Me: Are we . . .
- Brunie: Beautiful?
- Me: . . . not men? Are we Devo? Are we there, God . . . ? NO. Are we still drinking?
More Bratslavian Coolers! We's in luv.
9 p.m. And Then There Were None
- Emily Brent: You cannot lock out the devil.
Brunie falls asleep immediately and I've seen this movie a million times, so I go back to The Majestic.
- Brunie: What time did you go to sleep?
- Me: Hmm. Wait, what superlative was The Majestic?
- Brunie: Most majestic. Ha! No. My favorite musical scene from a non-musical movie.
(Note: I barely got up from the bed the entire weekend. I am exhausted. Many blessings to Brunie, who loves to step 'n' fetch for me!)
- Brunie: Why do you want to see this movie?
- Me: I don't! But it's so culty.
- John Goodman: You want a toe? I can get you a toe by 3:00.
- Me: I like that follow-through.
- Police chief: I don't like your jerk-off name. I don't like your jerk-off face. I don't like your jerk-off behavior, and I don't like you, jerk-off. Do I make myself clear?
- Brunie: I think he has a real problem with masturbation.
- Me: Yes, but he can conjugate it correctly.
We decide breakfast, then buffalo (aka Ruffalo, our shared boyfriend). Over waffles and "sausage," we discuss the weekend thus far.
- Brunie: I feel like we're not as funny this year.
- Me: It's the quality of the films.
- Brunie: Next year's theme should be movies that we can MST3K the shit out of.
- Me: But I can't spend three days watching crap just so we can be funny about it.
- Brunie: This is our gift to the world!
- Me: Hmm.
- Brunie: I think I love waffles.
- Me: Waffles bore me.
- Brunie: Write that down! That's funny.
- Me: Yeah, you're welcome, world.
- Brunie (points to TV): That's Michael Shannon! And you said you didn't know who that is.
- Me: Which I continue to exhibit.
- Me: So far, we have been funnier at this breakfast than we've been all weekend.
- Brunie: Are you having a time out?
Really so sad. Maybe not the best last-day movie...
Brunie goes for one last hot tub dip, I listen to her Hamilton CD (loved!!!) and drink wine. Yes, at 11 a.m. Dude, I am dealing with some serious shit, me and the Bull Durham guys.
- Larry: Excuse me, but what the hell's going on out here?
- Crash: Well, Nuke's scared because his eyelids are jammed and his old man's here. We need a live . . . is it a live rooster?
- Crash: We need a live rooster to take the curse off Jose's glove, and nobody seems to know what to get Millie or Jimmy for their wedding present. Is that about right?
[the players nod]
- Crash: We're dealing with a lot of shit.
- Larry: Okay, well, uh . . . candlesticks always make a nice gift, and uh, maybe you could find out where she's registered and maybe a place-setting or maybe a silverware pattern. Okay, let's go get 'em!
- Me: I am ashamed of how hot I find horrible James Spader.
- Brunie: Hello, every gay boy I ever dated.
It went too fast, as always, and I'm sad about the movies we didn't watch together (Lone Star!!) — but all in all, a perfectly grand and glorious weekend with my great and wonderful friend!
p.s. Now taking suggestions for next year's theme . . .