Check-in time at the Peabody Marriott, our home for the "weekend" (and the site of Brunie's honeymoon, lo these many decades ago), is 4 p.m., according to the hotel website. However, without even discussing it with each other, we each show up before 3 p.m. and are shown to our room — at the end of the world's longest hallway. Brunie says, "If I see two twin girls, I am heading right back out."
Constant Readers will be relieved to know that YES, there is a refrigerator! (Husband requested that I text him right away with the news.) There is also an ice machine with full-size cubes, in contrast to last year's ice pearls! And the room is not too hot! I'm as happy as a kitten in cornflakes.
Brunie, though, is stymied — for the first time in all of ever, she can't get the TV to recognize her computer. A lovely man came to hook us up, and Brunie frantically began moving liquor bottles.
- Brunie: Please don't look at all the alcohol.
- Man: Wow.
- Brunie: There's a lot of shame in this room.
- Lady: Oh! Give him a tip!
- Brunie: You are now our favorite person.
- Man: I'm just angling for a drink.
My request for our first movie: something lively with music. Brunie peruses the menu on her computer.
- Brunie: Oh my God, can't you be smaller???
- Lady: Which I say to myself in the mirror every day.
- Brunie: Once again, RGB saves the day! Fuck you, HDMI!
- Lady: [whatever] Hon, while you're up . . .
- Lady: Hey there, Distracted Girl.
- Brunie: I have all kinds of shit going on.
We cheer for singing Alec Baldwin, bless his beefy heart.
Digeo Boneta introduces himself to Julianne Hough.
- Diego Boneta: I am Drew.
- Brunie: Did he just say "I am Groot"?
- Brunie: Why is this such a weird size?
- Lady: Probably something you did. Wait, is that something you said on your honeymoon?
- Brunie: Yeah. Same response, too.
We then discuss Tom Cruise, whom we generally don't like. But I love him in this, also Tropic Thunder, and Brunie reminds me how sweet he is in Jerry Maguire. Oh, yeah, he had us at hello.
Catherine Z-J is singing "Hit Me With Your Best Shot." I cannot watch.
- Lady: She has an Oscar.
- Brunie: Whoever choreographed this needs to pay.
- Tom Cruise: You have such a perky . . . heart.
- Paul Giamatti: What do Keith Richards, Jimmy Page, and Stacee Jaxx all have in common?
- Lady: They've never been in my kitchen?
- Paul Giamatti: Go after love if you want it. But I can offer you something much better.
- Lady: Better than love?
- Paul Giamatti: Fame.
- Brunie: Will you live forever?
- Lady: Will you learn how to fly?
- Brunie: High?
- Mary J. Blige: Cognac — a brandy.
- Julianne Hough: I don't mix my drinks.
- Mary J: No, she's Cognac. She's getting you a brandy.
- Lady: Do you like brandy?
- Brunie: She's a fine girl.
- Brunie: Oh shit! I just ate a Flaming Hot Cheeto!
- Lady: I think you should drink more alcohol so you can be mellow like me.
- Alec Baldwin: I just threw up.
- Russell Brand: Where?
- Alec Baldwin: In my pants.
- Brunie: I feel like Journey is maybe not the heart of rock and roll.
- Lady: Right. It should be that Sex Pistols song I can't remember.
- Lady: We need to go dark now.
- Lady: I brought you a pretty wine glass. What the hell?
- Brunie: I like a tumbler.
- Lady: But you hold it in your hand, it gets warm.
- Brunie (pointing to glass she is not holding): Do I? Do I?
- Lady: You sound like Martini now. And he is annoying.
- Brunie: So much traffic. This is a horror movie!
- Lady: My heart is perky!
- Lady as Homeless Guy: Mmmm — creme de cacao!
Homeless Guy and Ann Sothern cackle drunkenly at each other.
- Brunie:They're adorable.
- Lady: I think we're looking at our future.
- Brunie: Olivia is the boringest woman in this movie. All she does is sit in a cage.
- Lady: Well, see the title.
- Lady: Yeah, that guy's never going anywhere.
- Brunie: First and last movie.
We cheer at this credit:
And "Morgan Freeman" as "Fast Black"
(love the "quotation marks")
- Whore Kathy Baker: You know, for 60 bucks you could have a really good time.
- Lady: How much would a really good time cost you?
- Brunie: I'm not sure I understand the question.
- Lady: OK, so, a movie, a big bag of popcorn . . . I think I could do it for under $30.
- Editor (reading Chris Reeve's article): "We need to change 'pussy' to something cleaner."
- Lady: What?
- Brunie: Snooch.
Chris and Morgan have finally met.
- Brunie: He's charming as fuck. I would totally work for him.
- Lady (to Morgan): You don't even know. You're in this movie with Superman, and in 20 years . . .
- Brunie: You'll be everyone's favorite actor.
- Lady: You will be how we all imagine the voice of God. This is the movie where it all changes for him.
- Brunie: Because he's SMOKIN' HOT.
- Chris Reeve: I want you to be careful.
- Mimi Rogers: What am I supposed to do?
- Lady: Lock your door, idiot.
- Brunie: Don't get in a cage!
- Prosecutor: I don't mind saying that I'm very pleased with our position . . .
- Lady: . . . which is missionary.
- Morgue Guy: I told you what he was.
- Lady: He's no good, he's no good, he's no good, baby, he's no good.
- Brunie: Say it again!
Hot tub break!! Which is lovely. I then see a guy on our endless hallway and mention The Shining. The guys says, "No kidding. If I see a Big Wheel, I'm out of here."
9:26 p.m. Secretary
Brunie plans to shower and sleep rather than watch this fine film. She says it's one of those movies she never needs to see again. I get it. We then list some of those movies:
- Schindler's List
- Saving Private Ryan
- Breaking the Waves
- Million Dollar Baby
- Brunie: I'm guessing her dad wasn't a big disciplinarian.
- Lady: He was a drunk. He was hardly every home. [takes a big swig o' wine] It's sad when parents drink to excess.
- Lady: I do not want anything like this in my own life, but . . .
- Brunie: I know what you're about to say.
- Lady: It's art! It's art!
Maggie G examines her massive bum bruise.
- Lady: I look like that after surgery.
- Lady: She's doing it through her clothes.
- Brunie: I noticed that too.
- Lady: I can't see how that's going to work.
We're awakened at 6 by some crazy alarm of Brunie's. She informs it that we are on holiday. We then sleep fitfully until I sit up at 7:30.
- Brunie: No way are you up before me.
- Lady: Believe it, baby.
- Brunie: If you let me brush my teeth and pee first, I'll get us Starbucks.
- Lady: Easiest deal I ever made.
- Brunie: I know you're a whore for Starbucks.
And as I learned from Secretary, there are indeed whores who negotiate around pee. Maybe even tooth-brushing.
9:08 a.m. Almost Summer
Lee Purcell was my idol in high school. I love her hair in this movie, also her little scarves. Brunie schools me about the skateboards the '70s boys are riding, but I understand not one word of it. Something about penny boards and lawn mowers?
Darryl Fitzgerald (swoon!) enters.
- Brunie: Is Didi Conn going to get her braces off? Is this the guy who runs for president? Does he fall for post-braces Didi Conn?
- Lady: Why are we even watching this movie?
- Senior Prez Tim Matheson: I would now like to introduce a girl who I know . . .
- Lady: . . . tastes delicious!
Such a cute movie.
- Lady: Was it everything you remembered?
- Brunie: I forgot the nipples.
10:45 a.m. Cradle Will Rock
I know nothing about this movie. Brunie rambles on about the WPA. It's all very confusing, and I pour a drink. Yes, at 10:45, or whatever.
- In unison: Paul Giamatti!
- Lady: "It was then the girls realized . . ."
- Brunie: ". . . that they were having a Paul Giamatti film festival."
It's a Who's Who of fantastic actors, but there are 13,000 subplots and we are lost. Not because we are drinking, not because I'm distracted by my physical therapy (yes I'm doing PT. Also drinking), not because Brunie is overly focused on the house she's been crocheting all weekend; we can multi-task like mo-fos. It's just a really confusing movie. We decide to keep watching until we can figure out who's playing Orson Welles.
- Lady: There've been bare breasts in every movie so far.
- Brunie: So maybe that's our theme.
We peer intently at Orson but cannot recognize this actor. (It's Angus Macfadyen.) I begin whining for a new movie, but Brunie insists on reading Internet stuff and learning. From Wikipedia.
11:21 a.m. Something Wild
Jeff Daniels goes through Melanie G's bag.
- Brunie: Handcuffs?
- Lady (mishearing): Tampons???
- Lady: She's had so much plastic surgery now.
- Brunie: She probably watches this movie and cries.
- Brunie: I am a dog.
- Lady: I'm a horse. A work horse. That's the character I identify with in . . .
- Brunie: War Horse?
- Lady: Animal Farm.
- Brunie: Every mother identifies with the horse.
- Brunie: Is it in your panty drawer?
- Lady: I have a panty drawer?
- Brunie: Yeah, I was looking for a snack in that drawer, and you told me not to eat your panties.
- Lady: Which, I maintain, is a really reasonable rule.
Andrew "Blaine" McCarthy enters.
- Lady: Hello, Tall, Bland, and Dreamy!
At 2:25, we have our first Bratslavian Cooler of the weekend! Brunie makes it as I direct her from the bed. Damn, we make a good cocktail!
- Lady: The character of Blaine is a mystery to me. We should analyze him later in the hot tub.
- Brunie: He's a dumb-dumb.
- Lady: Well, that was quick.
- Lady: Why wasn't Molly Ringwald in St. Elmo's Fire? Did she get to read the script first?
- Harry Dean Dad: I'm sorry that I'm the one you have to tell all this stuff.
- Molly: I'm not. She couldn't have said it any better than you.
- In unison: Aww . . .
- Lady: And at 2:45, our hearts officially melted.
- Lady: If you're leaving, will you refresh my drink?
- Brunie: You are so lucky to have me.
- Lady: And so it is inscribed.
Brunie says that Stranger Than Fiction will be our 8 p.m. movie, and we'll go to sleep watching The Shawshank Redemption.
- Lady: Yes, that is surely a movie you want to drift off to.
- Brunie (referring to evil Lee Purcell): So she's Indian, right?
- Lady: No . . . ?
- Brunie: I think of her as Indian.
- Lady: She's Appalachian.
- Brunie: Good thing we're not recording this, since I'm clearly racist.
- Lady: I'm not sure that thinking Indian is Appalachian makes you racist . . . just an idiot.
- Brunie: There's always that.
- Lady: There's Bo Duke! Or Luke Duke.
- Brunie: Or Faux Duke.
- Evil Lee Purcell: Mate.
- Lady: Is that an order?
- Linda Blair (to her horse): You don't think I'm ugly, do you, Sundance?
- Lady: Well, you're a chubby little dwarf with frizzy hair, but you're just as God made you.
- Lady: Gross.
- Brunie: Oh, I forgot that bothers you.
- Lady: It bothers everyone.
- Brunie: No, just you. Everyone else is fine with it.
5:54 p.m. Intolerable Cruelty
I lustily "Woo!" for the Coen brothers. Love them!!
Yuppie Lawyer Guy is at a diner.
- YLG: Do you have a green salad?
- Waitress: What the fuck color would it be?
- YLG: Uh, salad, then? Baby field greens?
- Waitress: What did you call me?
- Catherine Z-J: I could have you disbarred for that.
- Brunie: I would totally risk disbarment for her!
Happy endings for everyone! So to speak. Time for the hot tub!!!
8:54 p.m. Dying to Belong
We're just watching for a minute while we wait for room service.
- Brunie: Is that Jenna Van Oy? Is she dying to belong?
- Lady: Yeah. Don't get attached.
9:22 p.m. Stranger Than Fiction
- Dustin Hoffman: What's your favorite word?
- Will Ferrell: Integer.
Lights out at 11:11.
7:36 a.m. Fifteen and Pregnant
Man nipple on screen! Park Overall takes mother's little helpers! And possibly the most unpromising credit ever:
"Introducing Julia Whelan as Rachel"
Kirsten Dunst is 15 in this movie? She has looked 21 her whole life.
Kirsten takes a drag on a cigarette.
- Lady: Well, that'll age you.
- Kirsten: I thought we'd be together forever.
- Lame Baby Daddy: July to October — that's almost forever for me.
- Lady: The message of this movie is clearly that religion is idiotic [K's minister tells her that birth control is bad] and children are terrible.
- Brunie: These are good things to know.
- Brunie: That is NOT how you cook bacon.
- Brunie: See, there's the bacon alarm.
- Lady: Is there nothing in Park Overall's life that isn't judging her?
- Random Character: In my day, children weren't allowed to have babies in seventh or eighth grade.
- Brunie: They weren't allowed?
- Lady: You hold that baby in! From July to October, which we know is almost forever.
- Pregnant Kirsten: Will I have to give up soccer?
- Brunie: That is the question every girl asks herself.
- Brunie: The impregnator's here!
- Lady: I know him by his sperm!
In a tender moment, Park Overall strokes her pregnant daughter's hair.
- Brunie (tenderly): You're such a disappointment.
- Lady: I feel like this movie would be so much better if we muted it and provided all the dialogue ourselves.
8:01 a.m. Dying to Belong Again
There is nothing I love more than a sorority hazing movie starring Oscar winners.
Watching people climb heights — even when I know the outcome — is my most stressful thing. Jenna Von Oy is told to hang a banner way up high. We don't even see her climb, and yet my hands are sweating like crazy. Spoiler: SHE DIES. No Oscar for Jenna Von Oy.
- Dreamy Reporter Boy: Is there any chance this death was caused by hazing?
- Dean Curtis: The university strictly forbids hazing.
- Lady: Therefore, it doesn't happen, son!
And I keep thinking they're missing a key word . . .
It feels all kinds of wrong to criticize the directing or editing of this awesome cinematic effort, but it seems like key scenes are missing. There is so much build-up as to whether Hilary and Sarah Chalke are going to play pool with the mean girls — then Sarah hands Hil a stick and we're done. Who won?? So many questions. I could write a whole paper on this movie — or maybe I just need more coffee.
Dying to Belong has a theme song! My joy is complete. However, I cannot find a link to it anywhere. You'll just have to watch the awesomesauce that is this movie. You're welcome!!
- Mom: What kind of mother doesn't believe in her own daughter?
- Lady: Oh, hon — I have a movie to show you.
|I too am dying to belong!|
- Mom: The next time I try to tell you how to live your life, will you do me a favor?
- Lady: Will you show me your two Oscars?
- Dean Curtis: This is a situation that we intend to rectify.
- Lady: As an anti-hazing statement, I'm finding that a tad lacking in oomph.
LOVE this movie!!! It has everything. So much Oscar!!!
9:28 a.m. St. Elmo's Fire
We discuss which character we related to when we first saw this movie. Brunie picks Mare Winningham.
- Lady: Chubby girl in Spanx pining for a bad boy?
- Brunie: Pretty much.
- Brunie: Look — the same song plays everywhere they go.
- Lady: It is the soundtrack of their lives.
- Brunie: What's the soundtrack of your life?
- Lady: We've Only Just Begun.
- Brunie: No.
- Lady: Looks Like We Made It.
- Brunie: No.
- Lady: Every Which Way But Loose.
- Brunie: That's a movie, not a soundtrack.
- Lady: You're so critical.
- Judd Nelson: Don't put that thing in — we're getting married, let's take a chance.
- Brunie: Because nothing says fun like unplanned pregnancy.
- Lady: It's like they haven't even seen Fifteen and Pregnant.
- Kirby: Haven't you heard of the Sexual Revolution?
- Kevin: And who won that?
- Lady: Me. In fact, I medaled.
- Demi Moore: Kevin, why did you never make a pass at me?
- Kevin: Well, I never joined the army either . . .
- Lady: So he's avoiding the clap in several ways.
- Demi Moore: I never thought I'd be so tired at 22.
- Lady: I never thought I'd be so drunk at 11.
Emma Thompson is astonishingly adorable in this movie.
- Lady: Aren't you in love with her?
- Brunie: Everyone is.
This is an utterly charming movie. We are spellbound, hence lack of notes.
- Brunie: It's also been a really long two days. We've been working really hard.
- Lady: Baby, we were born to watch.
- Lady: Cheryl walks with her toes pointed out.
- Brunie: So do I.
- Lady: What's that a sign of?
- Brunie: Easy virtue.
- Cheryl: Not a good idea because you've got a girlfriend? Well, I've got a husband.
- Lady: That trumps your girlfriend.
- Brunie: Trump's your girlfriend?
We begin warbling "Regrets . . . I've had a few . . ."
12:37 p.m. Movie concludes
- Lady: Do you have any summing-up words of wisdom?
- Brunie: How I wish I did. Religion is stupid and children are horrible?
- Lady: Don't get in a cage or pledge a sorority. Nothing good will come of it.
- Brunie: And when you're 15, don't get pregnant.
Same time next year, peeps!
love and kisses,