Monday, April 16, 2018

Film Festival!!

This year's movie weekend felt a little different to me — I should ask Brunie if she thought so, too. Usually, my mindset is MovieMovieMovie!! I want to watch as much as possible and fill every waking moment with cinematic joy. But this year not as much, even though I was as excited about our movies as ever. We both have a lot going on and haven't seen each other in a while, so there was a lot more talking than usual. Plus, my Whole Life Challenge started on Saturday, so I went to the fitness center to work out and also did my stretching and had Brunie log in for me and write my Daily Reflection, and that was all new. And of course we drank to excess — some traditions are sacred! — but I touched neither a Bugle nor a Peanut M&M, and believe me, they were there.

I drank WATER this weekend! I'm a clean teen
It was as fun as ever, it just felt a little different.

I think we're growing up!

OK. Let's get started! Which was my mindset when I left my house on Friday at noon. Brunie couldn't get there till 4, but I was ready to start feeling joy NOW!

Except I drove right past the exit, so I decided to have lunch at Mandarin Danvers, so yummy, and read The Power, my weekend book. I got to our hotel at 2.


Surprise! Brunie hadn't put my name on the reservation, the Marriott wouldn't let me in without confirmation from her, and she wasn't answering her phone. I sat in the lobby for 45 minutes, glowering and feeling persecuted and unloved.

But then Brunie called and authenticated me, and I had a happy few minutes setting up our home base, chilling the wine, and heading for the hot tub. No one bothered me, I read People magazine and drank cold water, it was blissy bliss.

However, our Friday the 13th luck continued, as Brunie could not make the TV show our videos, no matter what technological wiles she tried. The Peabody Marriott, man, it is immune to both our charms. She had to drive back home to get external speakers.

'S cool, I poured my first glass of wine at 4:10 and painted my toenails while I waited for my friend.
Don't my feet look relaxed?


The theme of our weekend, remember, is "It Might Surprise You to Know I Have a Crush On . . ."

Brunie let me pick the first movie.

5:11: The Rewrite, starring two of my secret crushes: Marisa Tomei (oh how I love her) and Hugh Grant

(I'd told her that I had to drive to four libraries to get it; we weren't leaving this weekend without watching The Rewrite!)

The movie takes place in Binghamton, New York.
  • Brunie: This is probably everyone in Binghamton's favorite movie.
[she pronounces it BingHAMton]
  • Lady: BingHAMton?
  • Brunie: Yeah.
  • Lady: Northampton and Binghamton?
  • Brunie: Yeah.
My crush Marisa doesn't show up until 5:34, but she is worth the wait.

Also: Allison Janney! J.K. Simmons! What a cast! What a cute movie!
  • Lady: I love Marisa Tomei so much. I would so marry her or Jodie Foster.
  • Brunie: Jodie is too bony, but I would share Marisa with you.
[Brunie would marry Queen Latifah.]
  • Uptight Allison Janney: This is the finest school in the Northeast!
  • Lady: Uh . . . hi, have you heard of Harvard?
  • Hugh Grant [paraphrasing Marisa Tomei's screenplay]: Small-town girl goes to the Big Apple . . .
  • Marisa Tomei: I did not say the Big Apple. I named the city.
  • Hugh Grant: The Big Manhattan, yeah.
This convulses us, and we say "the Big Manhattan" for the rest of the weekend.
  • Brunie: This movie's adorable.
  • Lady: It has everything.
  • Brunie: Why isn't it better known?
  • Lady: We will have to publicize it. Thank GOD my blog has 17 readers!
Brunie LOVES The Rewrite!!
Six-word summaries:
  • Lady: Love, meaning, in Hugh's third act.
  • Brunie: Good teaching can heal your wounds.
There were many mentions of Matt Damon in that movie, so we decide to watch School Ties next — but Brunie wants to hot-tub first, so I will watch Inside Man with my secret lovah Jodie Foster, which Brunie has seen 10 squillion times.

7:10, Inside Man
  • Brunie: I can sing along to the theme song.
  • Lady: The theme song to INSIDE MAN???
Dudes, she is not kidding. Go watch the opening credits (which include a heapin' helpin' of yummy Clive Owen). Brunie also dances. It's rather amazing.

Brunie says she's leaving to hot-tub, but she's mesmerized by no one's secret crush (as in, it is no secret) Clive Owen.
  • Lady: Are you feeling your boobs while Clive Owen talks?
  • Brunie: I'm warming my hands.
  • Lady: Whatever you need to tell yourself, lady.
Brunie still hasn't left.
  • Lady: This does not seem like an efficient way to rob a bank.
  • Brunie [full of portent]: MMM-HMM.
  • Lady: What does Clive Owen want?
  • Brunie: What indeed.
  • Lady: Would my secret crush on Clive Owen shock you?
  • Brunie: To be alive is to have a crush on Clive Owen.
Brunie says she's staying till no one's secret crush Denzel (see: Clive, secret, NOT) says her favorite line: "I'm the big dick today!"

He says it very well. And we believe him!
  • Lady: I don't think Willem Dafoe likes being the small dick.
  • Brunie [yeah, she's still here]: Nuh-uh.
  • Lady: And if you saw The Last Temptation of Christ . . .
  • Brunie: Right, not usually an issue for him.
At this point, we take a one-hour break to discuss all the happenings of our crazy lives, but we barely scratch the surface. I resume Inside Man at 9, Brunie goes for a hot-tub-smoke break for, like, two hours.

What a good movie! Twisty twisty!!

Six-word summaries:
  • Lady: Bank robbery isn't what it seems.
  • Brunie: Bank robbery good, mitigated by Holocaust.
10:23, a surprise switch from Matt Damon: Body Heat! "Starring" (i.e., barely featuring) my secret crush Mickey Rourke, who is kinda terrible now but ohmygod so dreamy in this movie
  • Lady: Such a fetch little pyro he plays.
  • Brunie: Stop trying to make "fetch" happen.
  • Brunie: Do we get to see him swinging snake?
  • Lady: He's not the big dick in this movie.
So dreamy, right?? Oh, Mickey, what happened.
  • Lady: There's William Hurt.
  • Brunie: William hurt me.
  • Nameless Female: God, it's hot. I just got out of the shower and I'm already sweating.
  • Brunie: Story of my life, lady.
Brunie turns the lights off at 11:21 — this is the latest she's stayed up, ever! I see about a quarter of the remaining movie, it makes enough sense.

Six-word summaries:
  • Lady: Don't trust sweaty murderous blonde girl.
  • Brunie: Not enough full frontal nudity, pal.
Brunie is up with the dawn.
  • Lady: I think I need a time that starts with a 6, at least.
  • Brunie: It's 6:02, baby doll.
  • Lady: I think I need a 7.
Brunie brings me coffee. After a little negotiation, we decide to go classic.

I love coffee, Brunie, and Mickey Rourke in Body Heat

7:33, Thirty Seconds Over Tokyo, or, as we've been calling it, Thirty Seconds of the Last Good War, starring my secret crush Van Johnson and Brunie's secret crush Robert Mitchum!
  • Lady: LOVE Van Johnson!
  • Brunie: You're such a whore.
  • Lady: I have a lot of secrets.
Dalton Trumbo wrote the screenplay! We cheer patriotically.
  • Spencer Tracy: It might give our boys from Bataan to Singapore a big lift.
  • Brunie: Our boys need a big lift.
  • Lady: My bosoms need a big lift.
I am swooning over these young boys in the plane.
  • Brunie: They're all gonna die.
  • Lady: Well, that Barbara Ehrenreich book you're reading . . . [Natural Causes]
  • Brunie: Yes! Death is inevitable.
  • Lady: So we should start smoking and stop jogging?
  • Brunie: That was my take-away.
  • Shorty: Well, beat me, daddy!
  • Lady: Ooh! My new favorite line.
  • Brunie: Shut UP, Shorty! He can't die soon enough.
Spencer Tracy gives an inspiring talk.
  • Brunie: He's kinda dreamy.
  • Lady: Katharine thought so.
Brunie sighs longingly. It's a sweet moment. But then:
  • Spencer Tracy: You're going to have to do things with a B-25 you thought were impossible.
  • Lady: Oh, my!
  • Brunie: Did we both go right to anal penetration?
  • Lady: Robert Walker came to a bad end. Got busted for reefer, then became an alcoholic, as you do.
  • Brunie: It's a gateway drug.
  • Lady: Who's that girl? Maybe . . . Phyllis Thaxter?
  • Brunie [checks Wikipedia, where she's been reading about Robert Walker]: Yep.
  • Lady: Pulled that out of my ass. Just like a B-25!
Phyllis Thaxter shares my secret crush!
Phyllis Thaxter is considering baby names.
  • Brunie: Jennifer is a good name.
  • Lady: Yes!
  • Brunie: Barbara and Jennifer, we are such a product of the '60s. All we need is a Nancy.
We do not watch all of this movie, as we would rather avoid inevitable doom before breakfast, no matter what Barbara Ehrenreich says.

Six-word summaries:
  • Lady: Gorgeous airmen in deadly SECRET mission.
  • Brunie: Shut UP, Shorty! Shut UP, Thatcher!
8:22, Alice Doesn't Live Here Any More, featuring my secret crush Jodie Foster (though Kris Kristofferson is wicked hot in this movie, also Diane Ladd)

Alice says a teary goodbye to her bestie.
  • Lady: Don't ever move, Brunie.
  • Brunie: I can barely move off this bed.
Alice is weeping in a bar. Bar owner hands her a scotch.
  • Bar Owner: Here, swig on this — your troubles'll vanish.
  • Lady: That's certainly my philosophy.
(We are drinking mimosas with our breakfast. Yum! Though mine is 3/4 champagne and 1/4 OJ; Brunie's is 1/2 OJ, 1/3 peach seltzer, and 1/6 champagne.)

We consider li'l Jodie Foster. 

Awkward kid or timeless beauty? Discuss.
I like her because we're the same age and grew up together; I thought she was a homely kid who grew into a beautiful woman, which gave me hope. Whereas Brunie thinks she's at her most beautiful here and became too bony, also too determined to make sure that you know she's the smartest girl in the room (a trait that doesn't bother me in the least, as you'll see when we get to Election . . .)

Brunie is not enamored of Alice. It hasn't aged well, I'll admit, but I still love so many parts of it. The parts are more than the sum of the whole, or something like that.

Six-word summaries:
  • Lady: Alice keeps making same bad choices.
  • Brunie: Brunie doesn't watch this any more.
9:54, School Ties, with my secret crush li'l Matt Damon at last!

(He's so awful in this movie but his face is so cute. Unlike his bestie Ben Affleck, who plays "Chesty Smith" and whose puffy face isn't cute in the least.)
  • Brendan Fraser: Wheeler's a great guy.
  • Brunie: Hates Jews, though.
  • Lady: And how!
Amy Locane looks like Kristen Dunst. She's smoking on their first date.
  • Lady: She's going to taste awful.
  • Brunie: She's going to taste like sin.
Brunie decides that she doesn't want to watch anti-Semitism after all. She's anti anti-Semitism. Good for you, Brunie! You take that stand!

Six-word summaries:
  • Lady: Secret Jew endures elite prep school.
  • Brunie: They all lived happily ever after!
11:05, Calamity Jane, starring my secret crush Howard Keel (or as Brunie calls him, Howard Muthafuckin' Keel!)

Credits roll. "Howard Muthafuckin' Keel!" we cry in unison. Oh, the neighbors.

Some guy is painting a portrait of Katie Brown, which Howard Muthafuckin' Keel! stops to admire.
  • Lady: She doesn't have an elbow.
  • Brunie: He loves a disabled girl.
  • Lady: "Baby, you need someone elbowed outta the way? I'm your guy."
Howard Muthafuckin' Keel!!!!
  • Lady: Oh! My favorite scene! You know what my favorite kind of movie scene is, right?
  • Brunie: Uh — cleaning up a mess!
  • Lady: YES!!
  • Brunie: Aw — you're so excited by my memory of your pathology.
  • Brunie: Are you saving the champagne? Want some?
  • Lady: Nah, I gotta work out. I think I should wait.
  • Brunie: I already did my workout. 
  • Lady: WHAT.
  • Brunie: I do it lying in bed.
  • Doris Day: "Once I had a secret love . . ."
  • Lady: Theme of our weekend!!
Very sweet movie! We are charmed.

Six-word summaries:
  • Lady: Doris Day marries her best friend.
  • Brunie: Doris Day adorable, muddy or clean.
Workin' for a livin'!
Break time! I work out, Brunie does work-work, then we hot-tub for a bit.

2:31, About Last Night starring my secret crush Elizabeth Perkins!

[We confess that we each have secret crushes on Jim Belushi, but only in this movie.]

About Last Night has a cleaning-up scene that's also a makeover!! My joy is complete. Also, I'm on my second After-Hours Lemonade.

We love this movie!

Six-word summaries:
  • Lady: First love is bumpy, yet HOT.
  • Brunie: All that sex would kill me.
4:45, Hair! starring my and Brunie's secret crush Treat Williams

I swoon over Treat Williams singing "I Got Life" while strutting down a fancy dinner party table. Oh, my.

My overall response to Hair's choreography: Jesus, Twyla.
  • Brunie: They need Calamity Jane!
Six-word summaries:
  • Lady: Hippies avoid war, make ultimate sacrifice.
  • Brunie: Oh, Berger, we hardly knew ye.
We peruse the room service menu and learn that "Statler-style chicken" is a boneless breast with a drumette attached, just like in nature. I ask Brunie for some ice water.
  • Brunie: I put a lot of ice in your water, princess, and eventually it will become water.
  • Lady: I feel like you're mocking me. I know how water works.
6:46, Election, starring our secret crush Reese Witherspoon!

We plan to take a drink every time Tracy Flick does something Lady-like. This should go well. I'm back to wine, Brunie's drinking bourbon and Coke with, like, 9,000 maraschino cherries.

Brunie chooses subtitles, and we see the words "English for the Deaf and Hard of Hearing."
  • In unison: That's us!
Tracy Flick's is the first hand up! Her hand stays up! She knows the answer, yes she does!

Good lord, we'll be drunk as skunks in two minutes.
  • Tracy Flick: I never missed a meeting! I volunteered for any committee, as long as I could lead it!
We drink.

Tracy Flick makes a disappointed face when the bell rings before she can finish her answer.

We drink.
  • Chris Klein: Thank you, God, for all my blessings, especially for what I've been told is a very big penis.
  • Lady: At least we don't have to figure out who's the big dick in this flick. 
  • Tracy Flick: Hey! Hey! One per person! Put those back!
We lift our glasses at precisely the same moment.
  • Tracy Flick (to Matthew Broderick): Aren't you supposed to keep those? [her election signature sheets]
  • Lady: "I know what you should be doing better than you do!"
We drink.

  • Tracy Flick: Eric, you don't put tape ON the poster. It goes on the BACK of the poster!
We drink.
  •  Tracy Flick: People are so ungrateful!
Brunie is now drinking very pointedly, to mock me.
  • Tracy Flick: On Election Day, Mom and I got up early and customized 430 cupcakes!
  • Brunie [to me]: Yeah, I hope you're drinking. I'm out of liquor, thanks to you.
  • Tracy Flick: Order! Order! Order!
I drink. Brunie is snockered.
  • Tracy Flick: I was in the top seventh percentile of my class and I got into Georgetown . . . !
  • Lady: I can't drink fast enough!!!!
Great movie! Good God, we're drunk!

Six-word summaries:
  • Lady: Driven girl seeks class presidency, friends.
  • Brunie: Lady Flick got me hella snockered.
9:40, Wild Things, featuring my secret crush Theresa Russell
  • Brunie: I remember nothing about this movie.
  • Lady: I remember that it's HOT.
  • Brunie: Maybe that's our theme.
  • Lady: "Who's the big dick?" is our theme.
  • Brunie: Is Theresa Russell even in this movie?
  • Lady: Yeah, she plays someone's mom, I think. I saw it on IMDB. She was in a lot of terrible movies, I blame her husband.

Hi, I'm Theresa Russell. You may remember me from Wild Things. Or not.

Surprise! After 92 glasses of Tracy Flick-prompted hooch, we fall asleep quickly. Which, of course, doesn't stop us from summarizing a movie we saw a third of.

Six-word summaries:
  • Lady: Twisty murder plot — few stay dead.
  • Brunie: I think this will end badly.

Wow, we slept till almost 7! Very late for us, but so Compliant.
  • Brunie: I'm going to check out the hot tub, see who's there.
  • Lady: I don't think anyone's in it at 7 a.m.
  • Brunie: YOU don't know.
  • Lady: You're right.
  • Brunie: I KNOW I'm right!
  • Lady: Wait — did we switch? Are you Tracy Flick now?
  • Brunie: "I deserve my own private hot tub! I work so hard for everyone else!"
  • Lady: I hear you, honey.
7:41, Suspect, introducing my and Brunie's secret crush Liam Neeson!

Wow, self-serve is 84 cents a gallon?? How long ago was this?
  • Lady: Who's screaming out in the hallway?
  • Brunie: A baby.
  • Lady: Go yell at it!
  • Cher: I want you to go now!
  • Brunie: Into my vagina!
  • Joe Mantegna [prosecuting Liam Neeson]: Did you punch your own attorney in the face?
  • Cher: Objection!
  • Lady: He punched me, but it felt like a kiss!
We are astonished to see Dennis Quaid smoking on a bus!
  • Brunie: Well, in the '80s you could, in the back.
  • Lady: Because of the special physics of smoke.
  • Brunie: The Internet could've solved this movie.
Dennis Quaid is lying on his hotel bed, watching TV and sipping whiskey.
  • Brunie: That's me in every hotel room.
  • Lady: Nah, he still has his pants on.
Cher picks up a box cutter.
  • Brunie: It's Chekhov's box cutter!
Cher looks around for Dennis Quaid.
  • Brunie: Is he in her house? Her office? Her pants?
Six-word summaries:
  • Lady: Cher defends wicked hot homeless guy.
  • Brunie: Liam Neeson will be a star.
We called it!
  • Lady: Your summaries are not so much summaries.
  • Brunie: You're doing the summaries. Mine are responses. They are reviews.

  • Brunie: I want to put in the Hank Williams movie for a few minutes.
  • Lady [makes a face]
  • Brunie: HOW many of MY movies did we watch? Between ZERO and ONE!
We have the room till noon but Brunie has to leave at 11:30. We compromise:

10:09, You'll Never Get Rich, starring Brunie's secret crush Rita Hayworth!
  • Brunie: 88 minutes! It's like it was written for us.
We attempt to dance like Fred and Rita.
  • Brunie: Do you know this dance?
  • Lady: Nah, I'm just doing what they do, like I do at zumba.
  • Brunie: I can do the arm part.
The plot is . . . busy.
  • Lady: What does the box say?
  • Brunie: It's convoluted, even for a box description.
  • Lady: Gosh, she's pretty. Does she get Alzheimer's? Not in this movie, I mean.
  • Boss Man: I have just one question: What does [Fred Astaire's character] weigh?
  • Lady: Well, that was random.
Brunie is packing while we watch.
  • Brunie: Oh! My pants!
  • Lady: Pants are always such an afterthought for you.
Six-word summaries:
  • Lady: Love triangles, misunderstandings, musical highjinks ensue!
  • Brunie: Horny producer causes havoc for everyone.
And that was it! It's 11:30, we each have to get home.
  • Lady: This festival was awesome! We should watch random movies we like every year!
And so it is written.

Lady C


  1. I LOLed at this: "Pulled that out of my ass. Just like a B-25!"
    I vote instead of a Nancy, you need a Cynthia. (My bestie from 8 to 28 was Nancy Johnson. She moved 30 miles away and won't try to stay in touch. So sad.)
    OK, I've got two new movies to watch - The Rewrite and Calamity Jane. (Hugh Grant is my only secret crush we share, but I might consider Jodie Foster. Only grown up JF when she turned beautiful.) My other SC is Leo DeCaprio and Julia Roberts and a #metoo guy that I'm ashamed to name. I always knew he was gay, but he can play a hetero lover like nobody's business.

  2. This was such a blast! I enjoyed reading about it almost as much as experiencing it! I can't wait 'til next year!~

  3. Waaa.... wanna buy tickets and popcorn and put up my feet!